Here we go...kind of.

So, the long-awaited period arrived on Thursday, and I started taking birth control pills on Friday.  So, in a sense, our next cycle has begun. 

I feel so very differently about it this time.  Gone is the anticipation and the wonder at the unknown.  This time I know what to expect at each stage.  I know that I can mix the medicine, give myself shots, handle the retrieval and transfer and survive progesterone injections in my hips.  Even though the unknown was scary last time, I kind of miss that part of it...wondering how I'll feel at each stage, the surprise I experienced when each stage was more manageable than I expected, the absolute joy over not having debilitating migraines throughout the process. 

So, still trying to process these feelings and why it's so different.  I think, on one hand, that it would be exciting to try again.  After all, we got pregnant the first time.  We.Got.Pregnant.  Amazing.  Who would have thought?  Of course, that excitement is tempered by the fact that we didn't stay pregnant. 

I think this time I will be so disappointed if the IVF doesn't work.  Last time, I just never thought it would.  So, it was a sweet surprise when it did.  So, maybe that's the difference.  This time feels so much heavier.  The possibility of hurt so much more real. 

Processing, processing...thankful for Jesus and the sweet mercies he shows me everyday.  So glad that at the bottom, there he is, the bedrock of my life.  So thankful to find him there.