Walking through the grocery store last night, continuing to think about why this second attempt feels so different than the first, I think I may have stumbled upon a big piece of the puzzle.

In January, February, March, as my heart was finally opened toward doing IVF, as I heard God telling me (again), "This door is open to you. You are my beloved child and have my blessing to go through it."  So, we went through it.  Extreme honesty here...I didn't think it would work.  I thought it was a matter of obedience, honoring my husband's wishes, taking a risk that felt so out of my control.  But, I didn't think it would actually work.  So, then, when it did, it was like that was all extra blessing.  I had already received the blessing of having obeyed, having stepped so far outside of my comfort zone.  But, I was ready for it to fail.  I knew what failure felt like.  I could handle that.  But, it didn't fail. 

So, this time, like I typed before, this time there is a certain expectation that the IVF process at least will work.  And that, my friends, is a whole different ball game.  What do I do with that?  I feel like the possibility of being disappointed is just so much greater. 

But, I don't want to self-protect, stay disengaged, not feel what is going on.  I want to feel.