There will be a day

Throughout this journey with infertility, I have these moments of insight. How I wish I had written them all down close to when they happened. Each has been significant and course-altering at times, or hope-giving at others. I wish I could communicate how they come about, how it feels...I can't, but what I do know is that they are God-breathed.

I frequently ask God, others, myself if there will be a day when I no longer experience the grief of infertility. Honestly, I feel like I am headed for more days without the grief than with it. For that, I am so thankful. Yet, often just when I think I'm "better", the grief will slam back into my life, announcing its presence when I'm least expecting it. I still have lots of tears and jealousies and sad days. But, I have lots of days where I don't too. I'm encouraged by that.

But, I still want to know...will this pain go away? Completely away? God showed me today that no matter what the end of our story is, whether He gives us more children through adoption, we have a successful experience with IVF, we get pregnant just by God's grace and power, or we joyfully raise the one delightful child He's given us, none of the options will take away the fact that we've struggled with infertility. Conceiving a child at this point cannot erase nearly 8 years of trying. (I'm not saying that if we did get pregnant that it wouldn't affect the grief. I know from watching so many others that have struggled and then conceived that sometimes the pain becomes a distant memory. Maybe for some, it does go away. Who knows? I don't think it will for me, and I think that is not only okay, it is good.)

This might not sound like the answer I was hoping for. But, it brings me a lot of hope. It reminds me that this is a struggle I can live with. Not live with as in endure...It's a struggle I can truly live within. There is still joy and hope and peace to be experienced. And there is still and always will be grief. Our loss does not seem as tangible as a pregnancy loss or the death of a child, but it's still a loss that will continue to be grieved.

In so many ways, this gives me freedom. I have my answer. It's not going away, but it's not ruling either. Praise the Lord.

And there will be a day, with no more tears, no more fears, no more pain. But it won't be on this side of heaven. I can wait.