The Low Point(s)

Most of the time infertility feels like one big roller coaster ride, with lots of ups and downs. The cycle of despair happens every month, as we hope that the result will be different this time and then are plunged (perhaps too strong a word) into despair when it is not. Up and down, up and down go the emotions. This, I think, is normal.

But then there are other times, times of intense grief that don't quickly turn to hope after a certain day in my cycle. During those dark days, I wonder and hope that this is the low point, that is will be the turning point in this struggle. Surely, this time, there is nowhere to go but up. And, a day comes when things don't seem quite so hopeless. Life returns. Hope returns. But, I wonder, "Have I hit bottom?"

As I look back, I feel like I can identify a season that could be the bottom...and it was right around Mother's Day a few years ago. And it lasted for a couple months. And it was a dark time for me. Nevertheless, God brought me through. And I find myself really hoping that it was indeed the low point for me. But, there have been others, none quite so severe, none quite so long, but the grief continues.

I think the question I find myself asking most often is, "Will there be an end to this struggle? If we never give birth to a child, will this season of grief end?" I hope so. And somedays, I feel like maybe, just maybe, it's beginning to.

"I can see a light that is coming, for the heart that holds on.
There will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes,
Still I will praise You, still I will praise you."